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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Lord, I'm lost. I am desperately looking for support from someone who knows what it is like to be disappointed by someone you love dearly. To be let down on just about every front. I don't know what to do, and I'm just so sad right now. I haven't felt this way in a long time, but I just cannot bring myself to happiness. I need you to help guide me there. I've been stagnent and missing in my faith and my walk. The guilt keeps piling on. I need help to clear this fog. I need direction and love. I can't see the overall plan you have for me, Lord, and it frightens me. I've had too many excuses, too many obstacles. It's nothing compared to other's circumstances, but becoming a single parent in a two parent household has brought me to my knees. Perhaps that is what this challenge is to be. To remind me to submit. But you have never seemed passive aggressive, Lord, and I'm not sure why the start of now is in order. Why this sudden revelation that I'm all alone in this? Why the slow segregation of the two of us? Where did we go? How do I find my way back to both my faith and my husband? How can I bring us both to the Light again? I have so many questions, and such an aching void. Lord, please heal me. Please help me. I'm seeking you with my whole heart. Amen.

Friday, July 22, 2011

I cannot own your fears.

You are drowning in your own stubborn ignorance, and I can only stand by and watch.

You cannot guilt me.  I will not let it affect... I will not let it cause me to


You cannot take the joy out of something, simply because you fear the outcome without facing the very research and medical establishments you so choose to trust.

You are my bond and link to the previous generation.

I want so badly to have your support and loving approval during this time, BUT.

I'm not going to own your fears and absorb your negativity at only a chance of getting it.

You are forcing me once again to go against you; to feel all the negativity that comes with that.

You are selfishly taking away something special from my life, an experience like no other, without, or perhaps you are, meaning to.

These last days, I must separate myself from you.

I must keep clarity of mind,
          of heart,
of soul,
    of beings.

I mustn't be afraid.  I must be able to go confidently without doubt at every turn.

I need my strength.
                    She needs it more.

There is no more talking to be done.  No more informing to be done.  The clock has struck midnight, and I am out of time, but still have both of my shoes to continue on this journey [painfully, achingly] without you.

This will be life changing for me.  I wish you could see and celebrate that.

I [painfully, achingly] wish it could have been for you, too.

Friday, April 15, 2011
Pregnancy Journal: 21-23 weeks

I'm temporarily blogging over here for the sake of not causing waves of worry through my family, but it is something that needs to be recorded.  I went in for a diagnostic ultrasound at 22 weeks, and while everything else looked good, fluid up, kiddo healthy, it showed that I have a low lying placenta at this point in my pregnancy.  It carries with it a bit of a scare of previa, where the placenta can cover the cervix (meaning, if a full previa, an automatic c-section; one cannot birth a placenta before the baby), but with it being this early in the pregnancy, my midwife is confident that as my uterus grows bigger, it'll carry my placenta up and away with it.  Just to be sure, I'm having to go and have another diagnostic ultrasound with a high-risk obstetrician; they have better machines with better imaging, and will be able to tell within a centimeter of where, exactly, it's lying.  I cannot say that I'm not nervous, and that I didn't cry on Matt's shoulder when I got the results, but I'm processing it, praying about it, and carrying on as normal.  I also can't say that this hasn't created a small seed of self doubt; as an hbac client, it worried my midwife to have to tell me, but as a professional, she did anyway.

I'm hopeful, confidant, but more than that, I'm prayerful.  Whatever is to happen is going to happen.

Thursday, July 30, 2009
Running: Week 4 C25k Musings

I'm now in week four of the Couch to 5k Challenge.  I'm also participating in a 1/2 Marathon Class, of which, I'll be knocking out my first half in October with the Marine Corps Half Marathon and 5k.  I ran the 5k back in 2007, and have been looking forward to the half marathon since then.

Some musings about some of my latest runs:

"The moon is in a perfect crescent in a darker-than-dusk sky.  I wouldn't notice this if I were inside, or doing anything else, really, but running."

"When it rains/is raining, the white noise from the cars going by is much louder.  Conversely, when you're on the back roads in the neighborhoods, it makes it eerily quieter."

"The frogs make beautiful music to accompany my ipod.  Try not to run over and squish any of them."

"I pass by your window and sometimes long to be sitting and watching tv, too.  But here.  Pounding the pavement.  Panting while turning in the mileage.  Here is where I belong."

"There is a certain solace to be found in running.  It's you and the road and not much else."

Monday, June 15, 2009
Running: Week 2 C25k

I finally made it to week 2 on Couch to 5k!  The heat this morning was brutal as Gav and I set out to make our rounds.  It was 90 seconds on and 2 minutes off today.  It took a lot to get me out of the house today; mainly telling myself that I didn't want to repeat W1 again.  I was so sick of starting over.  Tired of putting myself back to feeling sorry for myself and giving myself one more excuse.  I'm just sick of it.  So I just went and gumptioned myself up and did it.

The music is better this week, and instead of 8 rounds, there were only 6.  Less running over all, though there were slightly longer stretches of it.  During the final two, it took every ounce of mental butt kicking to get it in gear and keep going.  The heat was brow beating me today, and staying in the constant sun takes a lot out of me.  But I sucked it up, made it through all six turns and didn't give up.  I just had to keep telling myself "you're not going to die, now pick it up!"

It'll get easier.  It does, every week.  No matter how hard Mondays seem to be, Wednesday, then Friday, it always gets a little easier.  And before I know it, I'll be crossing finish lines again.

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