I know what I want to achieve, and yet, I'm having a hard time mustering up the motivation to get there. Sometimes, my mind's eye will play back all that I used to be, and my body has yet to catch on to the fact that I'm not that anymore. I'm different. I'm doing it, but it sometimes seems like there's no heart behind it. I am more or less going through all the motions of getting my fitness back; which, yes, will yield results in the end, but when there's no heart there... the hunger just isn't there. The feeling of satisfaction isn't as sweet.
I went for a run this morning. It went as excellent as it should have. I even squeezed in an extra burst at the very end, which made me happy to see that I could do it. It's slowly coming back. I guess when I was 180, progress was easily marked. When I was losing five pounds a week, and seeing significant progress in my clothing sizes, it was easy to get super excited about it. Right now, it's just something I know I must do, and so I do it. I know my heart will get back in it when I go over that first finish line for the season. That vigorous hunger will be back, and I so cannot wait for it. But right now, fitness is on my to do list, and I check it off as I do with most other things in my routine. I suppose just having Gavin in my life, and having something so major become so much more important than myself, it takes the focus away from my running and makes it seem like background static.
The volume goes up. The sweat builds. The breathing turns to a pant. The feet hit the ground with heavy thuds. Arms become muscular as they push the wheels in front of them. She wonders why she is doing this... how come she feels satisfied with how she is looking, but yet, knows that she needs to continue to beat herself into shape. For who? For what? For the simple reason that she can. She can, and she will.
I Can, and I Will [ICIW].
It'll come back. The more check marks I make, the first race I complete, the first real challenge that I overcome (like, running in miles instead of minutes), it'll be worth it, and it'll be back. This will become meditative and fun again. Right now, it's work. It will always be work. But it won't be slavish work.