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Friday, July 22, 2011

I cannot own your fears.

You are drowning in your own stubborn ignorance, and I can only stand by and watch.

You cannot guilt me.  I will not let it affect... I will not let it cause me to


You cannot take the joy out of something, simply because you fear the outcome without facing the very research and medical establishments you so choose to trust.

You are my bond and link to the previous generation.

I want so badly to have your support and loving approval during this time, BUT.

I'm not going to own your fears and absorb your negativity at only a chance of getting it.

You are forcing me once again to go against you; to feel all the negativity that comes with that.

You are selfishly taking away something special from my life, an experience like no other, without, or perhaps you are, meaning to.

These last days, I must separate myself from you.

I must keep clarity of mind,
          of heart,
of soul,
    of beings.

I mustn't be afraid.  I must be able to go confidently without doubt at every turn.

I need my strength.
                    She needs it more.

There is no more talking to be done.  No more informing to be done.  The clock has struck midnight, and I am out of time, but still have both of my shoes to continue on this journey [painfully, achingly] without you.

This will be life changing for me.  I wish you could see and celebrate that.

I [painfully, achingly] wish it could have been for you, too.

Friday, April 15, 2011
Pregnancy Journal: 21-23 weeks

I'm temporarily blogging over here for the sake of not causing waves of worry through my family, but it is something that needs to be recorded.  I went in for a diagnostic ultrasound at 22 weeks, and while everything else looked good, fluid up, kiddo healthy, it showed that I have a low lying placenta at this point in my pregnancy.  It carries with it a bit of a scare of previa, where the placenta can cover the cervix (meaning, if a full previa, an automatic c-section; one cannot birth a placenta before the baby), but with it being this early in the pregnancy, my midwife is confident that as my uterus grows bigger, it'll carry my placenta up and away with it.  Just to be sure, I'm having to go and have another diagnostic ultrasound with a high-risk obstetrician; they have better machines with better imaging, and will be able to tell within a centimeter of where, exactly, it's lying.  I cannot say that I'm not nervous, and that I didn't cry on Matt's shoulder when I got the results, but I'm processing it, praying about it, and carrying on as normal.  I also can't say that this hasn't created a small seed of self doubt; as an hbac client, it worried my midwife to have to tell me, but as a professional, she did anyway.

I'm hopeful, confidant, but more than that, I'm prayerful.  Whatever is to happen is going to happen.

Thursday, July 30, 2009
Running: Week 4 C25k Musings

I'm now in week four of the Couch to 5k Challenge.  I'm also participating in a 1/2 Marathon Class, of which, I'll be knocking out my first half in October with the Marine Corps Half Marathon and 5k.  I ran the 5k back in 2007, and have been looking forward to the half marathon since then.

Some musings about some of my latest runs:

"The moon is in a perfect crescent in a darker-than-dusk sky.  I wouldn't notice this if I were inside, or doing anything else, really, but running."

"When it rains/is raining, the white noise from the cars going by is much louder.  Conversely, when you're on the back roads in the neighborhoods, it makes it eerily quieter."

"The frogs make beautiful music to accompany my ipod.  Try not to run over and squish any of them."

"I pass by your window and sometimes long to be sitting and watching tv, too.  But here.  Pounding the pavement.  Panting while turning in the mileage.  Here is where I belong."

"There is a certain solace to be found in running.  It's you and the road and not much else."

Monday, June 15, 2009
Running: Week 2 C25k

I finally made it to week 2 on Couch to 5k!  The heat this morning was brutal as Gav and I set out to make our rounds.  It was 90 seconds on and 2 minutes off today.  It took a lot to get me out of the house today; mainly telling myself that I didn't want to repeat W1 again.  I was so sick of starting over.  Tired of putting myself back to feeling sorry for myself and giving myself one more excuse.  I'm just sick of it.  So I just went and gumptioned myself up and did it.

The music is better this week, and instead of 8 rounds, there were only 6.  Less running over all, though there were slightly longer stretches of it.  During the final two, it took every ounce of mental butt kicking to get it in gear and keep going.  The heat was brow beating me today, and staying in the constant sun takes a lot out of me.  But I sucked it up, made it through all six turns and didn't give up.  I just had to keep telling myself "you're not going to die, now pick it up!"

It'll get easier.  It does, every week.  No matter how hard Mondays seem to be, Wednesday, then Friday, it always gets a little easier.  And before I know it, I'll be crossing finish lines again.

Monday, June 08, 2009

I know what I want to achieve, and yet, I'm having a hard time mustering up the motivation to get there.  Sometimes, my mind's eye will play back all that I used to be, and my body has yet to catch on to the fact that I'm not that anymore.  I'm different.  I'm doing it, but it sometimes seems like there's no heart behind it.  I am more or less going through all the motions of getting my fitness back; which, yes, will yield results in the end, but when there's no heart there... the hunger just isn't there.  The feeling of satisfaction isn't as sweet.

I went for a run this morning.  It went as excellent as it should have.  I even squeezed in an extra burst at the very end, which made me happy to see that I could do it.  It's slowly coming back.  I guess when I was 180, progress was easily marked.  When I was losing five pounds a week, and seeing significant progress in my clothing sizes, it was easy to get super excited about it.  Right now, it's just something I know I must do, and so I do it.  I know my heart will get back in it when I go over that first finish line for the season.  That vigorous hunger will be back, and I so cannot wait for it.  But right now, fitness is on my to do list, and I check it off as I do with most other things in my routine.  I suppose just having Gavin in my life, and having something so major become so much more important than myself, it takes the focus away from my running and makes it seem like background static.

The volume goes up.  The sweat builds.  The breathing turns to a pant.  The feet hit the ground with heavy thuds.  Arms become muscular as they push the wheels in front of them.  She wonders why she is doing this... how come she feels satisfied with how she is looking, but yet, knows that she needs to continue to beat herself into shape.  For who?  For what?  For the simple reason that she can.  She can, and she will.

I Can, and I Will [ICIW].

It'll come back.  The more check marks I make, the first race I complete, the first real challenge that I overcome (like, running in miles instead of minutes), it'll be worth it, and it'll be back.  This will become meditative and fun again.  Right now, it's work.  It will always be work.  But it won't be slavish work.

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