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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Just what the doctor ordered:

Repeat as necessary.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Yet another "Here's Your Sign" from my world as an over glorified secretary:

"Good afternoon xyz company"

"Yes, I'd like to speak to John please."

"I'm sorry, he's out of the office."

"Oh, he must have left already..."

Gee.  Ya think?!?!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I read a wonderful blog entry, reminiscent of long term relationships and taking a break, but this time, the subject of affection is running.  One of the most beautiful parts of the entry is at the very end:

"The most beautiful things about a long-term relationship, after all, are the quiet ones...the way the tide of passion ebbs and flows, the way the things unsaid are not without understanding, and the way each other's presence is inexplicably and undeniably enough."

There's another part where she talks about being out and about, and during their "break", if she saw running with another person, she might just be sick.  I know exactly how that feels.  To be out, or in, or wherever, and see someone else out there, running freely, well, it puts a pit right in my stomach because I can't do that for now.  And I want to so badly.  There are days when I'm at the gym and I crank the treadmill up to a six, and that lasts about 15 seconds, and I'm back down to a 12 minute mile instead.  Then slowly to a walk shortly after a mile.

I feel at times, unrest, and I want to just put on my favorite gear and go.  And sometimes I do.  But I know in the end, it all ends the same.  I'm tired way to early, and I sometimes regret even getting out there.  It's a constant state of flux.  I'm getting past it, and will work through it, it's just taking some adjustments.  I'm turning into a zen runner, where I run to simply feel good and time and distance do not matter.  My competitive nature sometimes gets in the way of things, but for the most part, I'm able to silence that part of myself and just run.  Or jog.  Or walk.

It'll come back.  It always does.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I went running Monday night.  I have never felt so good during a run.  Not ever.  I only ran for a mile, at a pitifully slow pace, but I have never felt so free.  I could have gone on forever, but my mom ordered my stopping and turning my final mile into a walk. 

I'm going to run again tomorrow.  And hopefully next week I'll add another half mile to it, and keep up my mileage through the pregnancy.  I plan on running a couple of local 5k's that have nice, flat courses while I'm carrying the babe.

It has been like getting back together with an old love.  After a couple weeks of no running, this has been the sweetest return to it in my life.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

This is going to sound like a horrible, whiney, self centered rant.  That being said, here we go.

I thought I'd be okay with putting on some weight for this pregnancy.  I'm so not right now.  I keep having flashbacks to myself at a sloppy 180 pounds.  I feel fat.  I feel pudgy.  I haven't worked out in two weeks because I've been exhausted by the time work ends.  I have been too afraid to work out.  While I have been cleared and inspired to work out, when it comes down to it, I get awful afraid of it and what it really does to the baby. 

I haven't been overeating at all.  I'm not taking in any junk food or unnecessary calories.

Tonight I'm heading to the gym to do some jogging on the treadmill.  I went out for a run last night with my mom, but she persuaded me to turn our runs into walks.  So I'll do light jogging on our off days and lift.  Two days a week.  I can handle that.  Instead of my usual three days a week hard runs that are 45 minutes or more, I'll just do two days a week at a slower pace for about 30 minutes.

I'm going to get a wrist wearable heart rate monitor so I can keep all of that in check.

I just soooo don't want to feel as if everything I have worked so hard for is going down the tubes.  And if I can maintain my muscle tone, I'll consider it a victory.  I don't want to get pregnant all over.  I want toned arms and legs, and a belly and boobage.  I don't want my double chin to come back AT ALL.  And I certainly don't want my butt getting any bigger.

How realistic is all of this?  I have no idea.  But these are my fears and goals at the moment.  These are what has been gobbling up most of my afternoon today.

Worry about my weight.  Worry about my endurance going out the window.  Worry about the baby and all the development going on.  Worry worry worry worry.

I feel very selfish, vulnerable, and insecure right now.  It'll get better as the fluff turns to pregnant, but it's like growing your hair out after a short short cut, or being in the middle of weight loss.  I'm in transition.  You just have to keep telling yourself it'll be okay and to be patient and keep going.  But it's still the worst feeling in the meantime.

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